Dancing with our Shadow in Relationships

At the Fall Equinox, the sun enters Libra- the sign of relationships and balance. This season initiates our journey of descent into our own personal underworld, where we meet with our shadow self.

There is no better way to meet our shadow than in the world of relationships. People we connect with in life, whether friends, co-workers or intimate partners mirror to us aspects of ourselves. Some of these qualities we are delighted to encounter, while others not so much.

Generally, the qualities we despise or are irritated by in others point to aspects of ourselves that we’ve repressed, rejected or denied, which then become part of our shadow. The shadow self follows us around, asking for attention and acceptance. If we do not heed its call for attention, it may actually start to drive us through life unconsciously. When this happens, we may end up in situations we regret, living life in a way that creates more pain and anguish for ourselves (and others) rather than healing and opportunity.

The shadow requires that we meet it. Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Dance with it from time to time. They are our forever companion, after all. We can’t simply get rid of our shadow. Denying its existence only makes life harder. Over time, the shadow can become our friend and ally.

The Goddess Oracle by Marashinsky & Janto

We all carry human traits that we don’t like. If we like to think of ourselves as a selfless, hardworking person, we may relegate our inner self-centered, lazy tendencies to the shadow. When we do this, we encounter these qualities in others until we accept them within ourselves. If we accept our own human tendency to be selfish or lazy, we are less likely to be bothered by these traits in others.

We may repress positive traits as well, which can become part of our shadow. For example, we may deny or repress our confidence, out of fear of not acting humble enough. Then we may find we are attracted to confidence or repulsed by it in others we meet.

If you are single and find you are constantly attracting people with certain traits into your life and they keep triggering the same issues within you, there is likely some shadow work to do.

If you are partnered and get stuck in loops of the same old arguments, or collect resentments over time for the same behaviours, there is shadow work to do.

Basically, if you are human living in the world with other humans, there is shadow work to do!

Relationships as a path of Spiritual Growth

If you are interested in your own spiritual growth, I highly recommend being in an intimate relationship. All relationships can push our buttons, but the closer they are, the deeper the healing can go.

I have been with the same partner for over 19 years now, and I feel my marriage and being a mom has probably brought me the most spiritual growth than anything else in my life. A day doesn’t go by when I am not encountering my shadow. Every day I am asked to look in the mirror and tolerate/accept/dance with what I see.

The snarky sarcastic rebuttals my teen throws my way often cause a reaction in me. Then a split second later, I see my own reflection in her. She’s so much like me. I was a snarky sarcastic teen and still am now! I must take my own medicine and remember that this is how she asserts her independence. This is one of the ways I still do, too.

My husband’s frustrating absentmindedness is another mirror. When he has forgotten yet another important detail or isn’t paying attention to the present moment, I curse his blissfully unaware existence. I feel burdened taking on the responsibility for all the mundane details. Then, I realise how much of a daydreamer I can be too. I can easily avoid the world in front of me, and often prefer to. Maybe I could let myself daydream a bit more.

I am not a Jungian expert nor have any sort of formal training in shadow work, so obviously I would first suggest you see a pro for doing deeper shadow work, especially when it is rooted in past trauma.

Alongside seeing a therapist, or when that option isn’t available to us, we can use Tarot and journaling to help shine a light on our darkness. These self-healing tools can help us become better people, cultivate stronger relationships and create a happier life.

Journaling Questions

First, here are some reflection questions you can journal with to get a sense of what aspect(s) of yourself you repress, deny or relegate to the shadows. These traits can actually be positive or negative.

  • What positive traits do the folks I am attracted to usually carry?

Positive traits we desire in others can also be parts of our shadow. We can access these parts of us if we choose. Often a partner will bring these traits out in us as well.

  • What traits about the people I get into relationships with do I find hard to deal with or unacceptable?

These are traits that we may be denying or repressing within us that unconsciously take the driver’s seat sometimes- especially when we are upset or stressed.

  • Who do I sooo NOT want to be like? Why?

This person may be a more extreme example of your own shadow. Yes, its scary to fathom this. But, be open to there being something there to work with.

  • How do I behave towards others when I get really stressed or triggered?

Often, we express our shadow when we are in a highly charged state.

  • What’s the positive side of these shadow qualities?

For example, selfishness transmuted into its positive form can be self-love, self-confidence or self-respect. Are these traits you could cultivate?

Tarot Spread for Relationship Shadow Work

Here is an example of a Tarot spread you can use with your own deck to support you in navigating a current relationship. You can do this spread for an intimate partnership or for friends/coworkers/roommates or anyone who is pushing your buttons!

Shadow in Relationships Spread by me using the Gentle Tarot.

Card #1: Self- Aspect of self we need to be aware of in current situation. 

This card shows the part of ourselves that is active within the current situation. How does this card make you feel?

Card #2: Shadow- Aspect of self we project onto the other and need to accept within ourselves.

This is an important card. It shows the issue we are grappling with, the energy we are avoiding within ourselves or what is blocking us from relating with ease. How does this card make you feel? How does it show up in your relationship? Is it something you feel ready to accept and integrate within yourself?

Card #3: Support- Cultivate this to support Card #1.

This is an energy within you that you can access now to support the current situation or your role within it. How would taking a step in this direction affect how you feel?

Card #4: Integration- Energy to help us dance with and integrate our shadow.

Cultivate this energy to help you deal with card #2. It is the key to integrating its energy within you and your life. How would it feel to bring more of this energy into your situation? How would it change your relationship with yourself? How could it change your relationship?

For me, my spiritual path is not about always trying to attain a lofty ideal of being or behaviour. It’s about wholeness, acceptance and finding peace with being human. Dancing with our shadow is an integral part of accepting the harsher realities of earthly life. Even if our spirit is made of complete love and compassion, we are living a human life. On earth, the laws of spirit don’t always translate.

As the ever-useful quote by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin states:

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience.”  

Are you interested in shadow work? How does your shadow show up in relationships? Do you consciously seek to meet and accept it?

May Libra season bless you with self-love and understanding, grace and flow.

Xo

Serena

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As a Witch who makes her home and practice in Tkaronto (Toronto) Ontario, I deeply thank the original stewards of this land: The Mississaugas of the Credit, Mississaugas of Scugog, Alderville, Hiawatha & Curve Lake; The Chippewas of Beausoleil, Rama & Georgina island, the Haudenosaunee and Wendat nations. I acknowledge the resilience of the First Nation, Inuit and Metis people who live and work here in the present, in a system of inequity and oppression. I am working on uncolonising my own practice, amplifying Indigenous voices and supporting Indigenous communities in whatever way I can.

Spring Equinox Spread + Reading!

‘Tis the season of growth.

Growth can be uncomfortable, exhilarating or downright painful. It can be all of these things. Spring urges us to be brave, bold and take action on our instincts to move forward. In order to live the life we wish for, to make those dreams we incubated and flirted with through the winter come true, we need to take action to help them take hold and grow.

Sometimes this process isn’t clear- we don’t always have a strong vision on what it is we are moving towards, but we may have a sense of what has lived its purpose and smell the scent of change in the air. We may already be walking towards that new place within ourselves but haven’t even realised it or seen evidence of forward movement yet.

Like a bear emerging from its cave, we can sometimes take a while to adjust to the light, realise where we are, and what we need to do. I’m not a morning person, so I often feel the sleepy bear vibe this time of year.

In this process of emergence, we may need to say a final goodbye to something, someone or some part of us that is holding us back. It might be time to clean out the closet- literally and metaphorically. It might be time to more actively seek out what our heart has been longing for silently, in the background, while we went about our daily business of simply surviving.

In the spirit of the season, I have created a Spring Equinox Spread to help you nourish your growth process. It can be used to help you grow a specific creative idea or venture, a relationship or a new way of being within yourself. This spread can be done with your own Tarot or oracle deck. I also have done a reading for you below!

As you shuffle your deck, focus on your ‘seed’- the new venture, vision, project or aspect of yourself you wish to manifest. Feel in your heart what you long to manifest. When you are ready, lay the cards in the order below. The spread will guide you in nourishing and growing your goal!

Spring Equinox Spread
  1. Soil-This cards speaks to your foundations, the ‘soil’ your seed needs to be planted in. It shows you the nourishment requirements. It answers the question- What nourishes the roots of this goal? What foundations are required for this to work? What is needed to sustain this growth? This is the most important card in the reading, as you can’t get a healthy plant with unhappy soil or neglected roots!

2. Breaking Ground- This card shows you the approach to taking action, overcoming obstacles and moving forward. This card speaks to the process of breaking out from under the soil and reaching up. It answers the question- How can I meet the challenges to growth that I face? What action can I take now to encourage forward movement? When you face an obstacle to your goal, this card speaks to the recommended approach to dealing with it.

3. Stability- This card speaks to how to stay centered and focused on the goal. It helps you stay aligned with your purpose and inner strength. In our growth process, we might feel pulled in different directions or wonder if we are truly doing the right thing. It answers the question: How do I sometimes get off track and how can I stay on track?

4. Inner Growth- This card reflects the evolution and growth process that is happening within you. It may be what prompted this venture in the first place. It may or may not be something visible to others or even yourself. It answers the question- How am I changing? What is this venture teaching me?

5. Outer Growth- This card reflects how your inner growth is affecting your self-expression or your relationship with the outside world. How you connect with others, how you behave. It answers the question- How is my behaviour shifting from this process? How am I growing as I walk through life? How is this process affecting my relationships? This is what is visible to others.

Below is the reading I have done for you using the Goddess Power Oracle by Collette Baron-Reid, with my own interpretation:

  • Roots- Hestia- Goddess of the hearth and home Hestia is here to remind you that your seed’s roots are nourished with a strong home base. Where do you call home? Do you feel at home within yourself? Do you feel comfortable in your skin or try to run away? Do you feel nourished by your environment? It may be time to clean and beautify your space so you can function better within it. Maybe a new coat of paint, or a new colour scheme that reflects your authentic self. Or perhaps it’s time to move to a new dwelling that better reflects who you are and where you want to be. Nourish your roots and foundations by making a space that is yours. Create a physical space or an altar dedicated to to the new you or the venture you’re embarking on. Reflect the beauty of who you are and what you want in your environment. You will better manifest your goals if you have a strong home base- within yourself and around you to nourish them from.
  • Breaking Ground- Elen of the Ways- Deer goddess Elen makes us aware of patterns and shows us new pathways forward. It is easy for us to get stuck in unhealthy habits that hold back our growth. Elen is here to remind you that in order to overcome any obstacles you are facing, you need to notice your patterns and habits. If you don’t like what is in front of you, change how you’re going about things. Notice the patterns and habits you’ve created in your daily life. Are they serving your goal? Are you using your energy efficiently? Are there patterns of self-talk or self-sabotaging thoughts that prevent your forward movement? It’s time to take action by creating new pathways that serve what you are trying to manifest. Is there a path you haven’t tried yet? It may not be the well-trodden path you’re used to. Look around you and see what paths lead toward your goal. If there isn’t one, create a new one!
  • Stability- Maya- Goddess of Illusion reminds us that we need to see things as they really are instead of how we want them to be. We may go off track when we fall into wishful thinking, or see things through an outworn lens or story. This story could be of the essence of ‘poor me’ or ‘I never…’ or ‘I always…’. Or, when we invest in an illusion. Clarity is what keeps us stable, growing and on track. Get realistic and clear about your goal, your intention, what it is you are aiming towards, or your ‘plant’ will not be able to sustain itself. What illusions do you entertain around your situation? Do they serve your growth or inhibit it? What changes within you when you choose to see the situation as it is? Stay on track by looking beyond the veil of gossamer and staying present with what is.
  • Inner Growth- Freya- Goddess Freya brings the message of Radical Acceptance. Much inner growth is possible through this, when you accept yourself and your situation fully. Maybe you’ve had some disppointments, conflicts and battles and feel you’ve come out the loser. Maybe the setbacks have eroded your faith in yourself or dampened your warrior spirit. We can’t win every battle. Life inevitably leaves us scarred from our experiences. Our scars become part of what makes us who we are. We don’t need to accept cruel behaviour in our lives, but we need to accept that it happened to us and here we are now. It takes bravery and courage to accept what is. This inner shift may or may not be visible to others around you, but you will feel much lighter and at peace when you make it. This venture may spring from a newfound sense of wholeness and acceptance within yourself. It will teach you to appreciate all aspects of you.
  • Outer Growth-Shakti- Transformation- You are changing, and it this is reflected in your relationships and how you relate to others. The life force generated from this growth process will radiate through you in new ways, drawing new connections to you. You may surprise people around you with your energy. It is shifting every day, and you may feel a bit awkward sometimes. Just keep trusting that this change is needed and part of your growth process. You are reaching out to the world and changing everything you touch with a bit of magick. You are a divine being full of creative power to change the world. This this is beginning to radiate outward and will transform your life in many ways. Your growth serves as a way to transform the lives of others. You are transforming the world around you simply by being yourself.

Your growth and renewal is imminent, but like anything in nature- it is a process. Be patient with it, and trust that while sometimes we can grow in leaps and bounds, it most often happens one step at a time.

This Spring Equinox/Alban Eiler/Ostara, may you see with clarity, as the dark and light are in balance. May you thrive and grow in beauty and strength.

Blessed Be,

Serena

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As a Witch who makes her home and practice in Tkaronto (Toronto) Ontario, I deeply thank the original stewards of this land: The Mississaugas of the Credit, Mississaugas of Scugog, Alderville, Hiawatha & Curve Lake; The Chippewas of Beausoleil, Rama & Georgina island, the Haudenosaunee and Wendat nations. I acknowledge the resilience of the First Nation, Inuit and Metis people who live and work here in the present, in a system of inequity and oppression. I am working on uncolonising my own practice, amplifying Indigenous voices and supporting Indigenous communities in whatever way I can.