Nature is perfect in her own way- and you are too.
Like each tree, plant and flower, you belong here and carry your unique medicine and gifts. You have an important part to play in the universal story and believe it or not, your existence is enough. All of your flaws, vulnerabilities, wounds and insecurities- they are part of your medicine. You are perfect in this moment, right here and now.
Our Environmental Stresses
Our culture is steeped in image-obsession and perfectionism. It seems every day there is a new level of pressure to adhere to impossible standards- not only of beauty and youth, but parenting, career, social media behaviour, in every aspect of life.
I am a recovering perfectionist. Like most women, I grew up in a culture that expects girls to always behave like a young lady, please others and put others’ needs first. As I became a teen and young woman, I realised how impossible it was becoming to meet the expectations placed on me by society. It always felt I was ‘too’ something or not enough of something. My goodness wasn’t inherent. It was to be earned.
Some of us may have had childhoods where being ‘good’ was internalised as a matter of survival, and later as adults, it manifests as the need to please our bosses, clients, partners and the public at large. Rather than feeling good, we feel we must act or look a certain way to be considered good.
We all have an internalised authority figure- an inner judge or critic, or some almighty spiritual being or God that we feel is watching our every move. We may serve this judge on a daily basis and not even realise it. Guilt and shame are used in our society to control us and have been for a long time.
We may have idealised in our mind about what our ‘perfect’ self looks like, acts like and strive to meet that. This may be part of a spiritual ideal, or a social ideal. We may succumb to social media’s pressure to romanticise or glamorise our lives, to perform activism or do whatever is necessary to look good and be good in the eyes of the inner judge.
Social media makes it so we no longer have privacy. Our words, photos and videos are available for the masses to consume and criticise, so we curate them appropriately. The widespread use of Zoom forced us to see ourselves on video far more than we normally would, inviting excessive self-consciousness and self-criticism.
I know I sound old, but I miss the days of simply BEing ourselves, in 3D, finding friends and sharing our interests without the unnecessary public scrutiny.
The religious underpinnings of our society mixed with capitalism create an environment where our desire to be loved and accepted is constantly used and manipulated with guilt, shame and image-consciousness to keep us buying things and doing things that are not authentic to our true, whole selves.
Beauty Standards
My 15 yr old daughter is really into makeup and loves Sephora. I recently read an article about ‘Sephora Kids’, who are often age 10 or younger, insisting they use products designed for middle-aged women lest they wither and lose their youthful glow. But they haven’t even been hit by teen acne yet. These girls are inundated with Tik Tok influencers selling anti-aging products they don’t need, which can actually be harmful to young skin. It is becoming more normalised than ever for teen girls and young women to get botox and cosmetic surgery as well.
Thankfully, my daughter has enough sense to do her research and see the BS behind a lot of social media pressures, but she is not immune to it and neither am I. I think today’s youth have it harder than I did at that age. Sure, they have better makeup and acne products, more access to information on anything, and can text their friends instead of writing notes. But they’ve got way more pressure to look good and act a certain way. More ways to be bullied and publicly shamed on a larger scale. More risk of internalising beauty standards that are completely unrealistic.
As I embrace middle age and walk with my daughter through her teen years, I see how deeply we’ve both been conditioned to dwell on our appearance, our behaviour, our need to be ‘good’ as girls and women. How our bodies will never fit into the box and neither will our spirits. I hope my own process of liberation supports hers, and we can embrace the wholeness of who we are as we grow older.
We are Spiritual Beings Having a Human Experience
So, how do we live authentically, without falling into these traps of idealisation, perfectionism, guilt and ‘not-enoughness’?
How do we invite our wounded, flawed, wrinkled, imperfect selves into a dance of wholeness with all that noise in the background?
How do we embrace the limitations of our earthly existence- the body, our survival needs, our desire to simply be loved and belong- amidst the pressures to constantly prove our worthiness?
Perhaps the most healing poem I’ve ever come across that acts as a balm to my perfectionism is Wild Geese by Mary Oliver:
Let the Soft Animal of Your Body Love What it Loves
I was introduced to this poem over 20 years ago when I first became a Yoga instructor. It has been a great support to my embodiment practice over the years. When I find myself getting rigid about my diet or body image, I often have to remind myself to simply ‘let the soft animal of my body love what it loves’. Every day I do an authentic/free movement practice to help me ground into the sensations, pleasures, and limitations of the body. This helps me reclaim my body as my own, as an organic process, as a living being- rather than an object for others to look at.
Having lived with a painful chronic disease, I have had to overcome a lot of inner perfectionism and embrace new levels of acceptance. Daily, I must come to terms with this body and its form, its limits and embrace what is, in the moment.
Unlike choreographed dance forms, authentic movement (and ecstatic dance) help me to embody and feel my beauty, rather than just try to see it. When I feel the satisfaction of a deep stretch, the powerful pulse of my heartbeat, the shivers of excitement when I shake my hair out- I am whole. I am happy. I am ecstatic. I feel beautiful, and this helps me see that in the mirror.
Through movement, I shapeshift into many forms. My body mirrors the movements of animals, birds, trees, fish and otherworldly creatures of all kinds.
When I put on music, I am transported to the sky realms, the sea, the mountains. I travel and flow with it, with my body, letting it move however it wants to. Some days, I just want to lie still. Others, I want to shake, jump or sway. I don’t have to look good while moving. I also activate my voice with sounding, which doesn’t have to sound good.
Movement helps me remember that my body is a channel of energy, that it is part of everything, that it is both finite and connected to the infinite universe at the same time. Movement is magick.
Free, authentic movement is a balm to our wounds of body objectification and separation from our animal instincts. By being fully in our body, the sensations coming from within it, we can transcend it at the same time, and feel the wholeness of our Spirit.
How do you let the soft animal of your body love what it loves?
Tell Me About Your Despair, Yours, And I Will Tell You Mine. Meanwhile, the World Goes On
Our journey through this life eventually etches itself on our body, and in our psyche. We become a collection of experiences- of love, pain, anguish, grief and joy.
I am ok with my laugh lines and crow’s feet. But the furrowed stress lines between my eyebrows, less so.
It’s easier to embrace the good parts of life, harder to embrace the pain. I don’t want to remember painful parts of my past. But embracing and remembering doesn’t mean I have to dwell in it.
The poem Wild Geese reminds us that while our pain is real and must be felt and processed, it is a small part of the big picture. For every moment of pain and sorrow there is a multitude of joyful moments to join in on, if we choose to.
No matter what dramas befall us, the natural world keeps going. The instinct of animals is to keep living their life as best as they can. They don’t waste time trying to fit into anyone’s expectations or worrying about the past. They remind us to live fully in the here and now. They continue to generate life, no matter what else is dying or falling away.
The sun always rises again the next day. We’re given another chance to begin again. To breathe new life into ourselves.
Nature asks us to merge with her rhythms and trust they will bring us into a new place all on their own.
When I’m in emotional overwhelm, I go for a walk in the ravine, cuddle my cat or tend my houseplants. Other times I just stare at the moon outside my window. All I know is that these small acts immediately bring me into a deeper calm when I’m frazzled or caught up in life’s dramas. I know I’m held and supported, that there’s a bigger rhythm and cycle I’m part of. These cycles are a reminder that we cannot control everything. That there is a divine wisdom unfolding in its own timing.
What rituals do you have that help you feel part of nature and its cycles?
Announcing Your Place in The Family of Things
We have a collective wound around belonging. This creates a deep insecurity within ourselves, that can rear its head and make us feel we have to ‘earn our keep’ or prove our worthiness to exist here. But we all belong here.
You belong here. Right here on earth, right where you are now. You’re part of the Earth family. You are exactly where you’re meant to be. Imperfections and all. You are deeply loved and supported by all your kin- your fellow humans, trees, animals, ancestors, the little flowers on that windowsill, and the big beautiful full moon in the sky.
The human experience can feel super lonely. Even though I have a strong animistic spiritual practice, I still feel loneliness sometimes. I have often become overwhelmed by this world and felt like I must be from some other place. While perhaps our spirit may be from another dimension or the stars, we were born on this earth, for a reason and purpose. We are meant to be here, and we belong here now.
My animistic practice is what has healed the deeper loneliness I used to feel, and it is what I turn to whenever loneliness comes up, because it heals me every time.
Animism is the belief that everything has a spirit. No matter what form we are in, we all have a spirit, and maybe that spirit is from here and maybe it isn’t, but we’re all here nonetheless. We’re all spirit in a physical form on Earth.
When I hear the croak of my neighbourhood raven, or touch the trunk of a nearby tree, I feel their kinship. When I sit on the beach, I listen to the waters and speak my pain to them. When I pick up a rock I listen to its wisdom. Everything has a soul, an intelligence. This is what I believe, and how I live. It takes away the loneliness.
I know that while I have human family, my family extends far beyond that. I have the nature beings, ancestors and spirit guides. This is my family and my home. It is yours too.
Do you have a favourite spot in nature that helps you feel at home? What helps you feel a sense of belonging on this earth?
As I recover from my own perfectionism, I hope to share these little nuggets of healing, in the hopes that we all feel a little better in our bodies, on this planet, just as we are.
Do you struggle with perfectionism? What helps you heal and feel whole?
May any perfectionism you struggle with soften into a deep knowing of your innate worthiness. Your existence is enough. You belong here. You do not have to be good.
Xo
Serena
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