Healing Perfectionism- You Do Not Have To Be Good

Nature is perfect in her own way- and you are too.

Like each tree, plant and flower, you belong here and carry your unique medicine and gifts. You have an important part to play in the universal story and believe it or not, your existence is enough. All of your flaws, vulnerabilities, wounds and insecurities- they are part of your medicine. You are perfect in this moment, right here and now.

Our Environmental Stresses

Our culture is steeped in image-obsession and perfectionism. It seems every day there is a new level of pressure to adhere to impossible standards- not only of beauty and youth, but parenting, career, social media behaviour, in every aspect of life.

I am a recovering perfectionist. Like most women, I grew up in a culture that expects girls to always behave like a young lady, please others and put others’ needs first. As I became a teen and young woman, I realised how impossible it was becoming to meet the expectations placed on me by society. It always felt I was ‘too’ something or not enough of something. My goodness wasn’t inherent. It was to be earned.

Some of us may have had childhoods where being ‘good’ was internalised as a matter of survival, and later as adults, it manifests as the need to please our bosses, clients, partners and the public at large. Rather than feeling good, we feel we must act or look a certain way to be considered good.

We all have an internalised authority figure- an inner judge or critic, or some almighty spiritual being or God that we feel is watching our every move. We may serve this judge on a daily basis and not even realise it. Guilt and shame are used in our society to control us and have been for a long time.

We may have idealised in our mind about what our ‘perfect’ self looks like, acts like and strive to meet that. This may be part of a spiritual ideal, or a social ideal. We may succumb to social media’s pressure to romanticise or glamorise our lives, to perform activism or do whatever is necessary to look good and be good in the eyes of the inner judge.

Social media makes it so we no longer have privacy. Our words, photos and videos are available for the masses to consume and criticise, so we curate them appropriately. The widespread use of Zoom forced us to see ourselves on video far more than we normally would, inviting excessive self-consciousness and self-criticism.

I know I sound old, but I miss the days of simply BEing ourselves, in 3D, finding friends and sharing our interests without the unnecessary public scrutiny.

The religious underpinnings of our society mixed with capitalism create an environment where our desire to be loved and accepted is constantly used and manipulated with guilt, shame and image-consciousness to keep us buying things and doing things that are not authentic to our true, whole selves.

Beauty Standards

My 15 yr old daughter is really into makeup and loves Sephora. I recently read an article about ‘Sephora Kids’, who are often age 10 or younger, insisting they use products designed for middle-aged women lest they wither and lose their youthful glow. But they haven’t even been hit by teen acne yet. These girls are inundated with Tik Tok influencers selling anti-aging products they don’t need, which can actually be harmful to young skin. It is becoming more normalised than ever for teen girls and young women to get botox and cosmetic surgery as well.

Thankfully, my daughter has enough sense to do her research and see the BS behind a lot of social media pressures, but she is not immune to it and neither am I. I think today’s youth have it harder than I did at that age. Sure, they have better makeup and acne products, more access to information on anything, and can text their friends instead of writing notes. But they’ve got way more pressure to look good and act a certain way. More ways to be bullied and publicly shamed on a larger scale. More risk of internalising beauty standards that are completely unrealistic.

As I embrace middle age and walk with my daughter through her teen years, I see how deeply we’ve both been conditioned to dwell on our appearance, our behaviour, our need to be ‘good’ as girls and women. How our bodies will never fit into the box and neither will our spirits. I hope my own process of liberation supports hers, and we can embrace the wholeness of who we are as we grow older.

We are Spiritual Beings Having a Human Experience

So, how do we live authentically, without falling into these traps of idealisation, perfectionism, guilt and ‘not-enoughness’?

How do we invite our wounded, flawed, wrinkled, imperfect selves into a dance of wholeness with all that noise in the background?

How do we embrace the limitations of our earthly existence- the body, our survival needs, our desire to simply be loved and belong- amidst the pressures to constantly prove our worthiness?

Perhaps the most healing poem I’ve ever come across that acts as a balm to my perfectionism is Wild Geese by Mary Oliver:

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

Let the Soft Animal of Your Body Love What it Loves

I was introduced to this poem over 20 years ago when I first became a Yoga instructor. It has been a great support to my embodiment practice over the years. When I find myself getting rigid about my diet or body image, I often have to remind myself to simply ‘let the soft animal of my body love what it loves’. Every day I do an authentic/free movement practice to help me ground into the sensations, pleasures, and limitations of the body. This helps me reclaim my body as my own, as an organic process, as a living being- rather than an object for others to look at.

Having lived with a painful chronic disease, I have had to overcome a lot of inner perfectionism and embrace new levels of acceptance. Daily, I must come to terms with this body and its form, its limits and embrace what is, in the moment.

Unlike choreographed dance forms, authentic movement (and ecstatic dance) help me to embody and feel my beauty, rather than just try to see it. When I feel the satisfaction of a deep stretch, the powerful pulse of my heartbeat, the shivers of excitement when I shake my hair out- I am whole. I am happy. I am ecstatic.  I feel beautiful, and this helps me see that in the mirror.

Through movement, I shapeshift into many forms. My body mirrors the movements of animals, birds, trees, fish and otherworldly creatures of all kinds.

When I put on music, I am transported to the sky realms, the sea, the mountains. I travel and flow with it, with my body, letting it move however it wants to. Some days, I just want to lie still. Others, I want to shake, jump or sway. I don’t have to look good while moving. I also activate my voice with sounding, which doesn’t have to sound good.

Movement helps me remember that my body is a channel of energy, that it is part of everything, that it is both finite and connected to the infinite universe at the same time. Movement is magick.

Free, authentic movement is a balm to our wounds of body objectification and separation from our animal instincts. By being fully in our body, the sensations coming from within it, we can transcend it at the same time, and feel the wholeness of our Spirit.

How do you let the soft animal of your body love what it loves?

Tell Me About Your Despair, Yours, And I Will Tell You Mine. Meanwhile, the World Goes On

Our journey through this life eventually etches itself on our body, and in our psyche. We become a collection of experiences- of love, pain, anguish, grief and joy.

I am ok with my laugh lines and crow’s feet. But the furrowed stress lines between my eyebrows, less so.

It’s easier to embrace the good parts of life, harder to embrace the pain. I don’t want to remember painful parts of my past. But embracing and remembering doesn’t mean I have to dwell in it.

The poem Wild Geese reminds us that while our pain is real and must be felt and processed, it is a small part of the big picture. For every moment of pain and sorrow there is a multitude of joyful moments to join in on, if we choose to.

No matter what dramas befall us, the natural world keeps going. The instinct of animals is to keep living their life as best as they can. They don’t waste time trying to fit into anyone’s expectations or worrying about the past. They remind us to live fully in the here and now. They continue to generate life, no matter what else is dying or falling away.

The sun always rises again the next day. We’re given another chance to begin again. To breathe new life into ourselves.

Nature asks us to merge with her rhythms and trust they will bring us into a new place all on their own.

When I’m in emotional overwhelm, I go for a walk in the ravine, cuddle my cat or tend my houseplants. Other times I just stare at the moon outside my window. All I know is that these small acts immediately bring me into a deeper calm when I’m frazzled or caught up in life’s dramas. I know I’m held and supported, that there’s a bigger rhythm and cycle I’m part of. These cycles are a reminder that we cannot control everything. That there is a divine wisdom unfolding in its own timing.

What rituals do you have that help you feel part of nature and its cycles?

Announcing Your Place in The Family of Things

We have a collective wound around belonging. This creates a deep insecurity within ourselves, that can rear its head and make us feel we have to ‘earn our keep’ or prove our worthiness to exist here. But we all belong here.

You belong here. Right here on earth, right where you are now. You’re part of the Earth family. You are exactly where you’re meant to be. Imperfections and all. You are deeply loved and supported by all your kin- your fellow humans, trees, animals, ancestors, the little flowers on that windowsill, and the big beautiful full moon in the sky.

The human experience can feel super lonely. Even though I have a strong animistic spiritual practice, I still feel loneliness sometimes. I have often become overwhelmed by this world and felt like I must be from some other place. While perhaps our spirit may be from another dimension or the stars, we were born on this earth, for a reason and purpose. We are meant to be here, and we belong here now.

My animistic practice is what has healed the deeper loneliness I used to feel, and it is what I turn to whenever loneliness comes up, because it heals me every time.

Animism is the belief that everything has a spirit. No matter what form we are in, we all have a spirit, and maybe that spirit is from here and maybe it isn’t, but we’re all here nonetheless. We’re all spirit in a physical form on Earth.

When I hear the croak of my neighbourhood raven, or touch the trunk of a nearby tree, I feel their kinship. When I sit on the beach, I listen to the waters and speak my pain to them. When I pick up a rock I listen to its wisdom. Everything has a soul, an intelligence. This is what I believe, and how I live. It takes away the loneliness.

I know that while I have human family, my family extends far beyond that. I have the nature beings, ancestors and spirit guides. This is my family and my home. It is yours too.

Do you have a favourite spot in nature that helps you feel at home? What helps you feel a sense of belonging on this earth?

As I recover from my own perfectionism, I hope to share these little nuggets of healing, in the hopes that we all feel a little better in our bodies, on this planet, just as we are.

Do you struggle with perfectionism? What helps you heal and feel whole?

May any perfectionism you struggle with soften into a deep knowing of your innate worthiness. Your existence is enough. You belong here. You do not have to be good.

Xo

Serena

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What is a Healing Ally? Connecting With the Spirits of Nature for Wellbeing

I am not only a witch, but an animist, which means I believe that all the beings around us have a spirit.

Rocks, plants, trees, animals, the elements- to me they are not resources to be consumed, but beings in their own right. They live alongside us, and yet as humans we can often be oblivious to their whisperings and invitations to cultivate an actual relationship. This is in part because we are conditioned to dismiss our own innate ability to feel their energies through our heart wisdom.

For many folks, connecting with the spirits of nature came easily to us as children, but as adults, we feel it’s weird or silly to talk to trees, dance like animals or pray to the elements to bring healing or transformation.

For animists, however, it is part of our practice and lifestyle to activate that childlike wonder, to communicate with nature through our heart-wisdom and to awaken our ancestral memories of living in deeper relationship with the spirits of the land.

Since ancient times, animism has been part of many belief systems all over the globe. Beliefs vary from culture to culture, however traditions and folklore around animals, trees and rocks that acknowledge the unique spirits of these beings are common pretty much everywhere. 

Since we are no longer living in such intimacy with the land and each other as we may have in the past, It’s easy to feel alone in this modern world. We forget that we are never truly alone, that we are surrounded by the spirits of nature, just waiting for us to remember our kinship with them.

Reclaiming our childlike wisdom

My daughter running through the Scottish Highlands

We can cultivate our childlike wisdom and remember our kinship, if we choose to.

But why would we want to do this? Well, life can get pretty small and dull as we get older if we don’t. But we aren’t doing it to revert to some childlike state or to escape reality.

In cultivating a relationship with the spirits of nature, we can better understand and manage our human experience. We can see ourselves and our place in the whole. We gain perspective and reconnect to the great web of life again. A sense of meaning and purpose is restored. We can heal old wounds, feel more accepting of ourselves and regain a sense of power-with rather than power-over that our colonial paradigm encourages.

Did you have an ‘imaginary friend’ as a child? Did you believe in faeries, mermaids, dragons or other creatures? Did you ever talk to plants and animals as friends, wish upon a star, or feel awe every time you looked up at the sky?

I know I did. I still do. But sometimes I’ve had to de-condition myself out of the adult mind that dismisses my heartfelt truths and judges my intuitive perceptions.

Take a moment to remember being a child and feeling that awe, that magick. What does it feel like to remember?

We adults like to think we have this world figured out if we can name, describe and identify things on a physical level. This is useful and valuable, yet, this level of understanding is only one level. When we were children, we were more open and receptive to what is beyond the visible. In order to feel it, we need to be open to it. It is kind of like that in connecting to the spirits of nature. Receptivity and openness is key.

What makes a tree, an animal or a flower a ‘healing ally’? What wounds are we healing?

I feel we know deep down that we are not meant to live in a chronic state of anxiety, competition, insecurity and fear, which modern life encourages. We know we’re meant to feel a sense of love and belonging in life, not loneliness and struggle.

I feel we collectively carry a wound of isolation. Healing this comes from remembering. Remembering our true nature, of being at one with existence. This state is sought by spiritual seekers in many ways- some healthy and some unhealthy or escapist. However, in cultivating a meaningful relationship with the spirits of nature, with the land we live on, we can stay grounded, healthy and present in this world and are less likely to want to escape it.

The beings of nature are healing allies, because they help us heal from the feeling of isolation and disconnection modern life creates.

This is the healing in a general sense, however, allies all carry their unique energies and can help us with unique issues. In Indigenous cultures the term ‘medicine’ is often used in recognition of the unique healing energies plants and animals carry. A plant does not have to be made into a tincture or capsule to be considered medicinal.

For instance, a certain rock or crystal can ground us and help with anxiety, like a local beach rock, jasper or tourmaline, while others facilitate communication with other realms, such as labradorite or celestite.

Spending time near water can help us process grief or help restore a sense of trust in the flow of life, while spending time with trees can help us stand strong in our power and provide stability.

Herbs each carry their unique energies and personalities. Lavender may come to us when we need to cultivate peace of mind, Mugwort may show up when we need to navigate the wisdom of our dreams or receive guidance from our intuition.

Animals are also amazing allies to work with. You might find your own pets to be a balm to your soul when you’re stressed. You may find working with a specific bird, like Crow can help you heal wounds around speaking your truth, or the Mountain Lion can help you heal wounds around confidence or self-assertion.

How can we discover our healing allies? How can we connect with them?

There are many ways to begin this journey. Take into consideration your own cultural beliefs and practices when connecting with healing allies. There are many ways of perceiving and practicing connection, so keep in mind that my example may not necessarily align with everyone, and your relationship with an ally may be different than someone else’s.

Allies may show up in our dreams, visions, through repeated symbols popping up in our daily life, or we may seek out a relationship more consciously.

An ally may be meant to work with you for only a short time, while others may become long-time friends that continue to provide support for you for decades!

Here is a step-by-step example of how to intentionally find and begin a relationship with a healing ally:

  • Visit a favourite spot outside, like a forest, garden, park, hill or shore where you feel your energy restored and like you can simply ‘be’. This is a clue that it is a place you may find a healing ally.
  • Ask your spirit guides/deity to lead you to a healing ally. Think about what is troubling you. Open your heart, speak your truth to the land and ask for support.
  • Go for a walk in your favourite place. Be open and receptive. Notice if you are drawn to certain trees, plants, rocks or just an area to sit and be. Trust your instincts and don’t force anything.
  • An ally could be a bird or other creature you see. It could be water, land, sky or the sun. It could be a tree, rock, plant or flower. When you find what you feel is an ally, spend some time with it. It is customary in many traditions to give the beings of the land an offering as way of saying hello and inviting it into relationship. An offering could be animal-friendly food or herbs. It may be tobacco, if you reside on Turtle Island (North America) and this is part of your practice. I also sometimes offer a prayer, kind words or a song. There are many types of offerings, just be aware of the safety of your offering in the environment.
  • Take time to simply receive and listen to the wisdom of this being. If it is a tree, sitting with your back up against it or placing a hand or even hugging it are ways to feel its energy. See it as a living being with a personality and a soul. Listening is more important than speaking, especially at first.
  • Notice what you are receiving. Take your time. Notice how you feel in your body in the presence of this being. What sensations do you feel? Have your emotions shifted? Did a new idea or vision pop into your mind? You can then converse with it- ask it a question about itself. Ask it something about your life. Feel for its answer. Or perhaps you feel silence is sufficient.
  • When you feel your energy shift from being with this ally, you can decide when it is time to say goodbye and go on with your day. Give thanks, maybe tell it when you’ll be back and send it some love, or give an offering.
  • I feel it is very important to be respectful, just like you would with a human friend in terms of taking anything. If your ally is a tree or plant and it offers something to you, and you take it- always give thanks, whether energetically or through an offering.

*Remember that while our heart wisdom is very important, it is also important for safety reasons to balance this with scientific knowledge, because some things are meant to be worked with energetically, but not physically. For instance, do not attempt to ingest herbs without first finding out about its safety and whether it is appropriate for your body. Some plants are meant to be connected with energetically, but not ingested! Same goes for crystals- don’t put them in water and drink the water before researching whether they are toxic. It is a good idea to do some research on your ally alongside connecting with it through your heart wisdom.

Nature rests through most of the harsh Canadian winters

The above is an example that works well especially during the warmer months of the year, but it can be a bit challenging over the long, harsh Canadian winters. If nature is sleeping or inaccessible, we can still access the spirits of the land, plants and animals through a guided meditation journey, or another form of inner travel.

I provide this form of connection in my Reclaim Your Magick sessions, alongside physical connection with the ally in different forms- such as dried, essential oil, energetic remedies or symbolic representation, which are accessible all year round.

Beings we cannot access physically + Cultivating a reciprocal relationship over time

Our healing allies may come and go during different phases of our life. They may be beings that do not live on the land we live on, or even in our physical world. They may only be accessible through meditation journeys, dreams, photos or other symbolic representations.

For instance, I had a mermaid ally for a long time, and still feel very connected to merfolk. I have never met one in person, of course, but I have spent lots of time with them in my journeys. Over time, my relationship with the merfolk has faded into the background, however they are always there if I wish to reconnect. I am often reminded our relationship during the summer months while swimming, or when someone notices my mermaid tattoo, which I got to support my healing process with them. Being with mermaids enhanced my relationship with the water element and deepened my respect for it which will last a lifetime.

my mermaid tattoo by Jenn Liles

An ally that is not physically available to us does not diminish its healing power or importance in our life. It is also normal for our relationships with allies to shift over time. Old ones fade, new ones come. This means we are growing!

Cultivating relationships with the spirits of nature is probably the most healing thing I have ever done for myself. It not only helps me feel supported, loved and connected, but has helped me to make big shifts in my mental, emotional and physical health. Working with healing allies have healed everything from stomach aches, extremely severe menstrual cramps, depression, anxiety, heartbreak, ancestral trauma, and more. I am forever changed and enriched by these relationships.  

Do you have any healing allies in your life? How do you connect with them? How have they helped you?

Thank-you for reading,

xo

Serena

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As a Witch who makes her home and practice in Tkaronto (Toronto) Ontario, I deeply thank the original stewards of this land: The Mississaugas of the Credit, Mississaugas of Scugog, Alderville, Hiawatha & Curve Lake; The Chippewas of Beausoleil, Rama & Georgina island, the Haudenosaunee and Wendat nations. I acknowledge the resilience of the First Nation, Inuit and Metis people who live and work here in the present, in a system of inequity and oppression. I am working on uncolonising my own practice, amplifying Indigenous voices and supporting Indigenous communities in whatever way I can.